Ask the Counselor

Devastated, wasted lives from drugs. Why?

2009-07-24T08:16:00.000-05:00

QUESTION: "Dr. Remington, no doubt but that the Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center works every day with people abusing drugs. Could you give your personal opinion as to why people do drugs?”

ANSWER: That question intrigues me daily; it haunts me almost constantly; it forces me to try and find the answer, or answers.

How doing drugs starts is pretty well documented. “Here, try this. It will make you feel real good.” Drugs are tried; they work; the experimenter gets hooked! Peer invitation and pressures.

All around us, perhaps in co-workers, close friends, relatives, even in church attenders, the devastation of doing drugs is seen. How tragic! In our country and globally, lives are being destroyed and wasted by snorting, ingesting by needle, and swallowing drugs. I include alcohol abuse and nicotine as doing drugs. Misusing food may be included as an addiction. Destroyed relationships; ruined marriages; wasted lives; crime and often death, are the results of doing drugs. All races, cultures, socio-economical levels, social statuses, education and genders are allowing their lives to be damaged, if not ended, by doing drugs. WHY?

Let’s note that the cause(s) may be neurological, chemical imbalance, deep-seated psychiatric issues, or modeling. Here is my personal opinion: EGO. That part of us that focuses exclusively on us. ME-ISM. There is a mental health category listing this action and attitude, “narcissism.” Consider this. Wanting to numb out, feel beautiful or competent, extraordinary, unusually perceptive, super intellectual, spiritually advanced, sensually seductive, all boil down to what I want. An over-exaggerated ego; unbridled arrogance. How sorry we feel for people stuck on their own selves.

My strong hunch is this. The person who feels relatively comfortable with oneself and who is enjoying life will have no need to have these changed by mind-altering drugs of any kind.

Back to the ego. Good mental health – not needing drugs – is a healthy balance between really liking oneself as one is, but not over-focusing on self. Romans 12:3, For by grace given to me I say… not to think of yourself more highly than you ought to think. Yes, think highly of oneself as a creation of God, but don’t overdo that.

We get out of “me-ism” by acknowledging and acting that we are all connected at a deep level. This is accurate Biblical theology; confirmed by Quantum Physics. In the thought-provoking book, The Shack, we read this. ‘When you chose independence over relationship, you become a danger to one another. Others become objects to be manipulated or managed for your own happiness.’ And, Jesus picked up the conversation, “As the crowning glory of creation, you were made in our image, unencumbered by structure and free to simply “be” in relationship with me and one another. If you had truly learned to regard one another’s concerns as significant as your own, there would be no need for hierarchy.’ (pp. 125-26).

Serious addictions healing usually involve an in-patient stay, followed by consistent participation in AA (Alcohol Anonymous) and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) along with professional counseling that is faith-integrated, as we offer.

READER: Submit questions to Ask-A-Counselor, obtain information, or make an appointment by calling 843-448-4820, Fax: 448-9875, send to the Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center, 901 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach, SC 29577, or log on to http://coastalsamaritan.blogspot.com.

Selecting Accurate Information

2009-06-23T10:00:00.001-05:00

QUESTION: "Dr. Remington, I read in your bio that in addition to psychology and theology, you have aviation in your career. Could you share something from aviation in mental health and spirituality?”

ANSWER: For the past several days I have been sad, grieving, and in prayer for the passengers, flight crew, and their loved ones in the crash of an airliner in the Atlantic Ocean.

A preliminary contributing accident cause was that inaccurate information came to the pilots and to the aircraft. This also happens to we human beings, we receive inaccurate information that may cause us to crash in life.

It is common in mental health counseling to discover that a present emotional or mental problem resulted from the person receiving inaccurate information from our parents, or parental figures, or traumas early in our life. That inaccurate information usually pertains to how we feel about ourselves, and in turn, how we perceive and approach life.

Information about ourselves pretty much comes from three levels. One level is what we hear about ourselves from others. That information is inaccurate when we are told that we are anything other than beautiful and competent.

Information about ourselves comes from what we communicate to ourselves. Read my last article, Don't Trash Trash Talk. Our bodies respond to the kind of self-talk we make. That information is inaccurate when we communicate to ourselves anything other than what is positive and optimistic about ourselves.

A third level is information we receive from our spiritual relationship. That information is inaccurate, in my opinion, when a communication is from God Who is anything other than good and loving.

Jesus gives us an excellent understanding of receiving accurate information. The Gospel tells us how His family was so concerned about Him that they decided He should have what today we call a mental status examination, a psychiatric evaluation. His family felt that He was emotionally unbalanced. Jesus rejected their inaccurate information; He selected the accurate information that he was doing His Heavenly Father's will. People doing that may be considered at least "weird", if not worse. John, chapters 8 and 10 record that Jesus was accused of possessing a "demon".

In my belief, the most accurate information comes to us from our personal times of prayer and meditation. When we have a solid spiritual foundation - receiving the most accurate information about us from the Highest Source - we have the most accurate self-portrait. Please read Matthew 5:11. The following verses describe who we really are.

That's it! Select only information from others that is upholding of you; select only information from yourself that is supportive of you; select only information from a God Who is good and love, and communicates to us that we are a unique and precious child of God.

Select only accurate information.

READER: Submit questions to Ask-A-Counselor, obtain information, or make an appointment by calling 843-448-4820, Fax: 448-9875, send to the Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center, 901 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach, SC 29577, or log on to http://coastalsamaritan.blogspot.com.

Don't Trash Trash Talk

2009-05-26T08:57:00.002-05:00

"Dr. Remington, I sort of understand trash talk, but what has trash talk to do with mental health?”
ANSWER: A LOT! Trash talk is using words to put down, degrade, demean, to make feel inferior and incompetent, to destroy. I suggest that we back off from focusing on the words and the superficial intentions of trash talk and examine the deeper impact of talking trash.

Basic to this impact is that we humans are a mind-body-spirit connection. We are a system in which one part affects all the other parts.

Trash talk sends a powerful negative message to our bodies, minds, and spirits. These tend to make a negative response to the negative message. One expert points out that “negative thoughts are a form of energy that depletes us.” Other research confirms that negative thinking contributes to various physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual illnesses and problems. Let’s pause for a moment and acknowledge the destructive power of trash talk.

The good news is that the opposite is also true. Positive talk sends messages of wellness to our bodies, minds, and spirits.

Our Judeo-Christian Bible speaks about being “good stewards” of God’s creations. I Peter 4:10 means, to me, being good stewards of this “wholeness” that is contained in our bodies, minds and spirits.

I strongly suggest this: Keep a diary, a log, of every negative (trash) thing you say to others or to yourself. Make a column of those. Then, directly across from each one, transform that negative statement into a positive statement. Examples:

I am stupid, I am smart
I am dumb, I am intelligent
I am ugly, I am beautiful
I am incompetent, I am competent
I am worthless, I am valuable as a child of God
I can’t do anything, With Divine power, I can do everything I really need to do

Remember please: The thoughts and talk that we make send powerful messages to our bodies, minds, and spirits. As good stewards of our bodies, minds, and spirits, what do we want to send?

READER: Submit questions to Ask-A-Counselor, obtain information, or make an appointment by calling 843-448-4820, Fax: 448-9875, send to the Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center, 901 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach, SC 29577, or log on to http://coastalsamaritan.blogspot.com.

Coming out of the closet

2009-04-20T15:37:00.001-05:00

"Dr. Remington, your office no doubt has many ways of describing the counseling process and outcome. Please share one with me."

ANSWER: We're talking about using a metaphor, a way of describing something but doing so in a different way from the actual way.

The counseling process and outcome is like coming out of the closet. It’s not what you think!

A closet represents a place with little or no real light, restricted vision, little movement possible, some sense of suffocation, and all aloneness.

We come out of the closet into light. Now we see more things, more clearly, and in a different light, a light that is now positive and hopeful. An appropriate Bible verse is Isaiah 9:02 (and Matthew 4:16). The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness - on them light has shined.

We sense a new freedom. We become released from the restrictions of feeling inferior, incompetent, hopeless, worthless. We develop the sense of becoming a whole person, of feeling good about oneself, both in the present and facing the future. We no longer are controlled by other people, things, or situations. Our relationship to other people is a healthy one.

This coming into the light and experiencing freedom often applies to our spiritual selves. The individuals often accept their new self-concept, I am the unique, precious, individual God created me to be. We Christians note Galatians 5:01: For freedom Christ has set us free. For you were called to freedom, brothers and sisters, (verse 13).

The Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center invites you to allow us to help you as you come out of your closet. From confinement to freedom.

READER: Submit questions to Ask-A-Counselor, obtain information, or make an appointment by calling 843-448-4820, Fax: 448-9875, send to the Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center, 901 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach, SC 29577, or log on to http://coastalsamaritan.blogspot.com.

Something Missing

2009-03-20T11:54:00.001-05:00

QUESTION: "Dr. Remington, why can't I be more consistent in living my life? I think I am missing something, but what could it be?"

ANSWER: May I start answering your excellent question with a joke? A man is drafted into the Army, against his wishes. All during boot camp he walks around babbling, 'Where is it? Where is it?" Finally, his commanding officer calls him in. “Young man. All you have done since you arrived here is walk around asking, "Where is it?" The Army has had it with you. You're out of here. Here is your discharge.” To which the man replies, "There it is!"

Perhaps the reason a life is not being lived consistently is that the person hasn't found the deeper, inner, stability to do so. This ties into the second part of your question. A possibility exists, as you state, you have a nagging sense that something is missing in your life.

Most often, understandably, a client comes for counseling hoping to "fix something." Sometimes that "fixing something" is uncovering something.

Throughout the Judeo-Christian Bible, for example, Jeremiah 16:06 and Matthew 11:29 (and in many of the major world's religions) there is an insight into all humanity for all time - a restlessness of our spirit to be in touch with who we really are - spiritual beings.

Please, please, do not make the judgment that every person with a physical or psychological problem has a spiritual problem.

Rather, please be open to the possibility that behind a physical or psychological problem there may be an uncovered desire for a spiritual intimacy. To be sensitive to this is one of the many unique services offered by the counseling staff of the Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center.

Something missing in your life? Maybe.

READER: Submit questions to Ask-A-Counselor, obtain information, or make an appointment by calling 843-448-4820, Fax: 448-9875, send to the Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center, 901 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach, SC 29577, or log on to http://coastalsamaritan.blogspot.com.

The Blessing of Hitting Bottom

2009-02-20T12:18:00.001-05:00

QUESTION: Dr. Remington, what is this thing called, "Hitting the Bottom?"

ANSWER: Sometimes I’m a slow learner. Unfortunately. Because by the time I “get it”, I’ve dug myself in a deep hole that usually keeps on getting deeper and deeper until I decide to make some corrections…hopefully, before it’s not too late. Perhaps this is the situation with you or someone you know.

Fortunately, there is a point where we can – and should, get it. That point is called "hitting the bottom". Let's look at just three of many issues where this idea applies. People becoming increasingly dependent on alcohol. The bottle takes increasing control so the dependent person loses friends, relatives, his or her spouse and children. Often the last thing to lose is the job. Obviously, because income must continue in order to purchase the alcohol. A second issue is continuing in a dysfunctional marriage. Emotional, physical and spiritual distance between the two increases, hostilities and conflicts become more serious. The couple moves from being mere "roommates" to intensely disliking each other. A third issue is staying in an abusing situation, the abuse being emotional or mental or physical, or some combination, or all three.

Hitting the bottom in alcohol dependence is when the bottle pushes away everyone and almost everything until the only thing remaining is employment, and that will likely end soon. Hitting the bottom in a marriage is when there is a dread and often avoidance in being with one's spouse. Hitting the bottom in an abusing situation is when the abuse will likely result in serious physical or emotional harm.

Hitting the bottom is a blessing when the realization is made, I must make a change! This is the blessing for a positive change.

A sad event is when people do not seek help before any situation becomes desperate. Hopelessness easily results. Sometimes people fall through the bottom. They pass the point where help could come to them.

An excellent Scriptural passage is Ecclesiastes, chapter three, beginning with verse one, "..a time for..a time for.." I especially like verse 10, "I have seen the business that God has given to everyone. God has made everything suitable for its time."

Let's add, "There is a time to seek professional mental health help when one even suspects, or knows, 'There is something not right with what is happening to me. I will get help right now!'"

The blessing of hitting the bottom is the desperate need and wonderful opportunity to make the critical God move.

READER: Submit questions to Ask-A-Counselor, obtain information, or make an appointment by calling 843-448-4820, Fax: 448-9875, send to the Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center, 901 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach, SC 29577, or log on to http://coastalsamaritan.blogspot.com.

2009-01-20T10:50:00.000-05:00

ISSUE: LETTING GO IS HOLDING ON

QUESTION: Dr. Remington, I was in an emotionally and physically abusing marriage for many years. I finally realized what I had to do and left my marriage. I still have thoughts of him, some of those thoughts are good thoughts. Why can't I stop thinking about him all together?

ANSWER: Your question is a very practical one and is important as we begin to step into the new year often hoping to be optimistic but nagged with thoughts from our past.

"Why can't I stop thinking about him?" is your question. I suggest the answer, "You need not do so." Let's consider, LETTING GO IS HOLDING ON.

We need to let go. Holding on to negative thoughts of our past is keeping the past current, restricting us from being in the present and from making plans for our future. We admit that there was Negativity in our past, often terrible experiences. The seeming human way is to be resentful and determined to hurt as we were hurt. That is not the spiritual and good mental health approach. We cannot change our past but we can control how we recall the past.

Our control is to let the negativity part of our past pass. Turn our negativity thoughts over to God. A truth stream flowing throughout both the Old and the New Testaments is, "You intended for this to do me harm, but God intended it for my good." God is always active on our behalf in all our situations and circumstances. If you have a big problem letting the past go, there is benefit in meeting with a professional counselor. This "letting go" of our negative past opens us to holding on to that which is present and positive.

Hold on to this: In every situation there is some good. From a divorce, for example, there may be children and grandchildren. God is consistently desiring our best. Once controlling negativity is out of the way, we are free to see our good.

Hold on to this: A marriage may end, but the dream of being married in a soul-mate relationship still exists. Dreams need not die when we focus on God's involvement with us.

In all situations and circumstances, no negative thoughts - letting go. Positive thoughts of the good involved, keeping dreams alive, and knowing that in all things God is active for our best - holding on. Romans 12:9-19 is an applicable Scripture.

READER: Submit questions to Ask-A-Counselor, obtain information, or make an appointment by calling 843-448-4820, Fax: 448-9875, send to the Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center, 901 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach, SC 29577, or log on to http://coastalsamaritan.blogspot.com.

Your Christmas Present

2008-12-16T08:47:00.001-05:00

QUESTION: Dr. Remington, I understand that the Samaritan Counseling Center cannot give Christmas presents. If you could, what present would you give us?"

ANSWER: To modify your question a bit. We can offer you a Christmas present. Here it is. We..

Encourage you, as a family unit, to acknowledge that this approaching season holds the potential for beauty, love, joy, peace, togetherness; it also holds the potential for conflicts, estrangements, hard feelings, hostilities, ugliness. What will make the potential become the reality you want and deserve? Budgeting/planning. This budgeting/planning pertains particularly to money, travel, events and attitude.
Suggest that you recognize that stores are doing everything possible to entice you to purchase, purchase, purchase. Realistically, budget how much you will spend, and stick to that amount.
Ask you to consider restricting your travel. I personally plan not to travel in any way any extensive distance, and I suggest that others do not travel to visit me. It is hectic and often dangerous out there.
Invite you to sit down with your family and list all the activities in which you could be involved. Emotions will likely enter of "Shoulds.. Oughts.. Expectations.. Demands..", etc.. Say "NO!" to most of them. Carefully select the most important, and practical, activities. Abusing alcohol or illegal drugs is so contradictory to the meaning of Christmas.
Urge this attitude, which to me, is the most important part of our present to you: Have the attitude of Mary who was nearly overcome with the joy and awesomeness that, in my opinion, the clearest and most complete understanding and expression of God was coming in the tiny baby named, Jesus, Emmanuel.

All Christian churches hold special services. Select the service meaningful to you and participate.

Our present contains this simple but important message: Christmas in its deepest sense is not dictated to or contained within some figures on a calendar. The real Christmas emerges from an attitude of the mind and heart – an attitude that translates into an action of budgeting/planning for this Christmas to bring to you beauty, love, joy, peace, togetherness.

Merry Christ-mas to all of you from us.

READER: Submit questions to Ask-A-Counselor, obtain information, or make an appointment by calling 843-448-4820, Fax: 448-9875, send to the Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center, 901 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach, SC 29577, or log on to http://coastalsamaritan.blogspot.com.

2008-11-26T08:59:00.001-05:00

THANKSGIVING

2008-11-26T08:56:00.001-05:00

QUESTION: "Dr. Remington, as I sit in the waiting room of the Samaritan Counseling office I see and hear people hurting with depression, stress, grief and grieving, anxiety, marital/relationship problems, challenges with children, etc.. Is my thinking correct that these people are feeling no thankfulness?"

ANSWER: I think that your thinking is mainly incorrect. Simply because people are hurting doesn't necessarily mean that they are feeling nothing for which to be thankful. Here are just a few areas people in our offices who are hurting may be thankful -

They are thankful that when they come into our offices, they are immediately welcomed and feel important.
They are thankful that when they meet with a counselor they sense that they are fully accepted, as God fully accepts all of us, and no judgments are involved.
They are thankful because they receive hope - a hope that what brings them into counseling will be resolved.
They are thankful in realizing that clients coming for counseling are supported in prayer by many people on our staff and beyond our offices.
They are thankful because they sense in the sacredness of our counseling offices that the Presence and Power of God is right there active in the counseling sessions.
They are thankful as they begin to accept the truth that in their hurting they are in the process of becoming a more emotionally stable, spiritually solid, joyful, and fully functioning individual. They are supported in moving from thanksgiving to thanksliving.

We affirm this for all the people who honor us with their presence and trust, "With a thankful heart, I give and receive the abundance of God's good..I give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart."

READER: Submit questions to Ask-A-Counselor, obtain information, or make an appointment, by calling 843-448-4820, Fax: 448-9875, send to the Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center, 901 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach, SC 29577 or log on to http://coastalsamaritan.blogspot.com/

Domestic Violence

2008-10-22T07:34:00.004-05:00

QUESTION: "Dr. Remington, here's my question, do I need to know more about abuse in relationships? My partner says awfully mean, hurtful, degrading things to me. Calls me all kinds of terrible names. There are only threats, no violence, should I be worried?"

ANSWER: "Yes!" and "Yes!" "Yes" you need more information about abuse - domestic violence; "yes" you should be worried.

There are typically four large categories in which abuse/violence may happen -

Physical Assault: Includes shoving, pushing, restraining, hitting, slapping, or kicking.
Sexual Assault: Any time one partner forces sexual acts, which are unwanted or declined by the other partner.
Psychological Assault: Includes isolation from family and friends, forced financial dependence, verbal and emotional abuse, threats, intimidation, and control where the partner can go and what she/he can do.
Attacks Against Property and Pets: Destruction of property which may include household objects or treasured objects belonging to the victim, hitting the walls, or abusing or killing beloved pets.

You, writer, are right now being abused in the above third category and are a high risk to be hurt within the first category.

Some clear suggestions/guidance:

If you have been physically abused, call 911, the police, immediately
If there is a danger you might be abused, immediately contact CASA (Citizens Against Spousal Abuse) 843-448-6206
If you feel that you might, or possibly could, abuse someone, call a mental health professional now.
If you are staying in an abusing situation and feel trapped there, reach out for available help.

The key to this article is, again, this: HELP IS AVAILABLE TO A PERSON ABUSING AND FOR THE PERSON BEING ABUSED.

Here are some alarming statistics. Statistics reflect that 95% of domestic violence victims are women, although men may also be victims. Surveys from the US and Canada indicate that domestic violence occurs in 28% of all marriages.

And here's right at home:

On average, 3 women a month die at the hands of an abusive partner in South Carolina.
South Carolina ranks 7th in the nation for the number of women killed by men per state.
Approximately 35,000 reports of domestic violence are made by law enforcement every year.
Over 4,000 women and children were sheltered from abusive partners in 2007.
Nearly 24,000 women and children received non-residential services such as counseling, financial aid, court advocacy, medical attention and other direct aid.

Let's really note this: Domestic violence is an "equal opportunity" crime afflicting families from all walks of life without regard to age, race, financial status, or religious affiliation.

The following is important to know:

Any type of abuse is an attack against the sacredness of all life.
Every individual is a precious daughter or son of God. It is a flagrant violation against God to abuse or to allow oneself to be abused. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE TO ABUSE OR TO BE ABUSED. And this includes a misinterpretation of some New Testament passages that "gives" a husband the right to abuse a wife.

Women, in particular, often feel trapped in an abusing situation. There are usually many practical factors that cause them to reach this conclusion. They simply see no way to get out of a situation even when they know they must get out. This is the point where individual counseling or support group can help make difficult decisions, take what seems to be radical actions, and consider help that is available. HELP IS AVAILABLE FOR EVERYONE.

READER: Submit questions to Ask-A-Counselor to obtain information, or to make an appointment, by calling 843-448-4820 or mail to The Coastal Samaritan Counseling Center, 901 N. Kings Highway, Myrtle Beach, SC 29577, Fax: 843-448-9875

Dealing with Emotions

2007-10-30T16:53:00.000-05:00

QUESTION: "Dr. Remington, I imagine that you deal with emotions in every client who comes to you for counseling. Could you share one particularly interesting thing about emotions?"

ANSWER: Yes. Thanks for your question. I marvel constantly how God designed the human mind. We are designed so that we can hold seemingly contradictory thoughts and feelings all about the same time. This is fascinating. And, it is critical in the overall healing process. Examples: At the death of a loved one, we may rejoice that the loved one has gone to heaven, while at the same time we are very upset that the loved one left us. Or, at a tragic accident: We may be grateful that we were not hurt more, and be angry that we were hurt at all. Or, following a divorce we can think relief, "I am glad to be rid of him/her" and be resentful that our dream of growing old together has been smashed. We could go on with many examples.

These seemingly contradictory thoughts and feelings provide to us a FULL-SCOPE of issues bothering us. We are not limited by responding to just one part of a whole issue. Complete healing cannot occur that way. Also, this allows us to see the "good" in the seemingly "bad" by making a comparison. When we are exposed to one extreme, the opposite extreme is more clearly seen and accepted. This allows hope to enter into a seemingly hopeless situation. Communicating hope is an important part of what we offer in our counseling services (ministry).

Hope opens the door for faith. We offer faith-integrated professional counseling. In addition to professional counseling, we are convinced that the goodness and power of God will give us hope in whatever seemingly hopeless situation we are in. On the surface, these thoughts and feelings may sound contradictory. In truth, they are God-centered.

Why do people seek counseling?

2005-04-08T17:06:00.000-05:00

To relieve symptoms. Some seek counseling because of problems with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, sleep problems, mind racing, stress, etc.
Better adjustment. Emotional or behavioral symptoms occur in response to an identifiable stressor such as divorce, job loss, or family conflict, etc. You feel "off balance" and need someone to guide you to a more stable place.
Improve relationships. Perhaps your marriage is not satisfying as it once was and want to be proactive about improving the relationship. Perhaps you are having some ongoing family conflicts and want help in resolving them, or maybe you need some assistance in getting along with a coworker.
Make a life/work transition. You are contemplating a major occupational shift, have lost a spouse, or the children have left home and you are having to take on a new identity.
Personal/Spiritual development. It may be time to be more intentional about working on your own personal development. Maybe you are ready to become the person God intended you to be.